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How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer “Olive” ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, “Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”
Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
“Jesus Christ!” he shouted.
Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary; it’s better than Clyde!”
During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, “I could beat Karpov with no problem”.
“Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time.”
“That’s nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!”
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
But why?” a bystander asked.
“Because,” the manager replied “I hate …”chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!”
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today ?”
Johnny raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, “Well…..every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”
Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”
Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”
Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.
It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.
As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.
Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert’s mother, “Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate.”
“I doubt that,” said the mother, “but you’re welcome to try.”
Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert’s ear.
Wilbert’s eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother’s hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.
As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa’s words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn’t utter a word.
What had Santa said? Wilbert’s mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.
She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert’s stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?
Wilbert now answered: “He said, ‘Listen, you little son of a *****, if you don’t climb your *** the hell down off that horse right this second, I’m going to beat the heck out of you!’ ”
Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree …
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa–filled with rage–threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, “Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?”
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said “You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here.”
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said “Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these ******’ prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here.”
was the day we got married but that was the ceramony May 23rd but ervyone thinks its was May 23rd is the date that we got married. Anyway back to the crazy stuff so the respect that I had for her cousin dropped because I was unaware of him and that was sick to me.
11 minutes ago – 4 days left to answer.
Additional Details
Let me start by telling you this I am a 24 year old young man, I was homeless in December of 2008. I went to a salvation army to try to get some help. I walked in to get the help and this is what happened. A women in her mid-40′s called me back to her office, she said a comment I believe she said I would be glad to help you in a way that was flirtatious. I then sat in her office and begun to tell her about my homeless situation. I told her that I was battling with drug addiction and that that was the main reason why I was in this situation. She worked diligently to provide help to me in a caring way. I received 1 day in a hotel and 2 meals to soothe my appetite which did’nt really helped me but I was thankful for that. Before I left her office which was on a friday, she told me to come back Monday so she could further assist me. So Monday rolls around, and I step into her office and she begun to tell me that she was going to do everything that she could to help me, I was excited that someone actually started to give a dame. So she tried to get a hold of people she knew to help me. Then to my surprise she told me to load my things into her van and at 3:00 she would take me to get help. So we left at 3:00 I asked where we were going and she said that she is going to take me to her place until she could find a place for me to go. We went by the school to pick her kids up four girls. I did not know she had this many children the ages are 9,9,8, and 7, and two boys I latter found out that are 22 and 25 that live in other states. Now this was a situation that I was unexpectently unaware of what I was getting myself into. So some time went by maybe a month and we started to get closer to one another. It started when she decided to sit right next to me while watching a movie. That went on for a week than I asked the question would you like to start a relationship, and she was like ummmmmmm…. sure. Here we are now dating two months went bye and she started to give me the hint that I should marry her, I was saying that we should give it about 1 year before we start even thinking about that, then she said it should not matter if you love me and I love you then what are we waiting for. I could not anwser. Then we decide to get married March 1, 2009 and it was just me her best friend and her best friends husband and of couse her. I was very happy that she wanted to start a relationship I was on top of the world and our relationship was terrific, it was an act of god so I thought. I did not tell my parents and she did’nt either. The only ones that knew was the four of us and latter I told my sister. Life to me was great and I thought my world was so full and had purpose. We or should I say she took it even futher and she and then I went with it decided to buy a house 2,000 down and 500 dollars a month I thought was a bad ideal and I told her what my feelings were, but she conviced me that this was a gift god had giving to the family so we did bought a house right down the road from her cousin Mike older gentalmen in his early 60′s and he was more then likely kinda gave her a push to buy a house there, good school system and alot of great things to do there. Anyways the move took at least a month and it was totally an unorganized last min hurry up type of move. Nothing was organized before the move she owed this little construction company and we did a remodel job which I have lots of experience in the consrction industry it was time consuming and that ate at our profit. I felt like she manupuliated the customer into going with her ideals her plan and it was latter a bad deal on the customers side the job was left unfished and she when she did work on that place did a shity job, know pride. I knew it was not right and told her that the way that was hanlded was wrong but it was to her way of thinking the customers fault and she got a deal, and after time she latter conviced me enough that I agreed but in the back of my mind did’nt. Back to the move we move in the place was unliveable the place had not been occupied in 2 years, and it was for the most part a wreck. We end up using the profit from that job for the move. We start making the place livable during the moved rather then before that made things crazy. Now I get a job at a factory she stays home with the kids to work on the house by this time the kids were on summer break. So the plan was she stay home with the kids for the summer which she wanted and work on the house while I went to work at a factory which I latter became miserible. Now all of this going on at that time I started to ge
OK…so here’s the deal. I’m 13. I’m homeschooled. My mother works at a hotel near my house, so I hang out there all the time. During a cold day last winter, I met someone my age at the hotel. He was really sweet, and I still talk to him. We hung out in the sauna the whole night, because we were really cold. Nothing happened in there. I just put my head on his shoulder. I really liked him, and I still talk to him over the internet. He lives pretty close, about 45 minutes. He’ll come back to the hotel again during the summer or winter.
I felt that he liked me…idk, just the way that he looked at me. He stared at me and smiled a lot, and I really liked him too. I wanted to kiss him badly, but do you think that would have been weird if I had? Would he have thought that I was a sl*t or something?
Should I kiss him next time I see him?
But I don’t want to drive him away or something by kissing him.
He kept asking me if I had a boyfriend, and tells me when I talk to him if he has a gf
Also, can you recommend some good places to go this time of the year where there is some stuff to do…
I appreciate it!
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